Beliefs That Harm Your Relationship (1)

We tend to have a rosy vision of love coupled with unrealistic expectations of the relationship which it creates. Some of us believe that love is enough to see us through the bad times and that, if people love us, they’ll do anything to make us happy. Others subscribe to the notion that as long as they do their ‘little bit’ in the partnership, everything will be fine. Finally, everyone likes to believe that their partners will change to suit them. But, boy, are we all in for a surprise?

Taking each of these beliefs in turn, love is certainly not enough on any level. It isn’t enough to hold two people together, because they need to be able to communicate with, and understand, each other and also solve problems together. The very next day after their honeymoon, they will have to find out how to share the same house, the same room, the same bed, the same money and the same ideals. In addition, they now have new friends and relatives to contend with. It’s no longer the carefree dating scene the two parties enjoyed before their wedding. They don’t go to their respective homes at the end of the day, or at the weekends. They are at home together, for keeps. There is no escaping that fact if they are truly committed to the relationship. Those charming characteristics they like about their partners, and the irritating ones they loathe, are now with them all the time. There will even be times when they forget that they love their partner! But, that’s the situation any new relationship creates and its success depends on how it is dealt with.

The Need to Adapt and Change
Closeness with someone else might bring intimacy, but it also brings the need to adapt and change. However, we can tolerate only so much change without being affected or feeling resentful, especially when we are happy with ourselves and enjoy doing our own thing. Getting married or going into a relationship is thus a major change in our life. The rules of behaviour are different and, unlike being at home with parents, we can no longer insulate ourselves from any ensuing problems. However, we can prevent their damage by creating safer, more uplifting environments because we are now in charge of our life.

The next fallacy is that if someone loves you they should fulfil everything you desire. Such a statement not only makes your love conditional upon the other person doing what you ask as proof of their love, but it is always a warning sign for the dynamics of the partnership as it does say a lot about the person making it. What you are actually saying is, ‘I don’t trust your love, so you need to prove it to me in tangible ways’, or ‘Your feelings, wants and needs do not count. Mine have priority.’ It reflects an unreasonable expectation usually motivated by a lack of care for the partner or, more likely, a lack of self-esteem. It is not unreasonable to have expectations of your partner, but what they are and how you voice them are very important. Unfulfilled expectations are the biggest killers in relationships. Inclusive statements which refer to both parties are the best.

For example, something like ‘If our love is to remain strong, we have to learn to respect each other’s viewpoint.’ This statement shows that you are actually owning your share of the relationship. You are not just focusing on the other person’s behaviour. The ‘we’ word is used far more than ‘me’, ‘myself’ and ‘I’. In this way couples create the opportunity to learn and grow. Mutual expectations and boundaries, which are consistent with shared values and beliefs, are essential to a healthy relationship.

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone and www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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