Big Fat John Diet: Jogging for Old Men

I mentioned in past Big Fat John Diet articles that I had to increase my exercise after my weight first stabilized in order to lose more weight. I was walking 2-3 miles a day but my weight stabilized again. That is okay as long as I don’t gain back the 28 pounds I’ve lost, but I would like to drop another 10 pounds. Also, I would like to reduce the amount of time I have to exercise so that I can do something else to waste my time that is more enjoyable like fishing, painting landscapes, writing, watching television, and reading books.

I find that in old age that not much time is needed for sex except for trying to remember what it was.

I decided to lose more weight and to reduce exercise-time at the same time. I would have to jog.

I’m 74 years old and I have an aortic valve that once belonged to a perfectly health and happy pig. I wondered what the doctor would say if I said, “I think I’ll take up jogging!”

I got a call from my grandson who works during the summer for my heart surgeon in Salt Lake City. He told me it was time to come in for my 1-year checkup after the surgery last year. I made the appointment and drove down into that traffic mess they call the Salt Lake Valley.

I cringe every time I go down there. There is always a big crash to hinder your progress on the Interstate.

Utah drivers are often referred to as THE WORST DRIVERS IN THE WORLD!

Well, they are a bit crazy thinking that they are the descendents of Ab Jenkins, the great Salt Flats Speedster whose land records still hold, but the main problem is that the Interstates there are constantly under repair and the wrecks are always in the construction areas.

Anyway, I some how got to the LDS Hospital and to my doctor’s office across the street. I went in but did not sit down. I knew that the receptionist would be sending me to X-ray laboratory down the hall, which she did. I was X-rayed everyday during my 19-day hospital stay which added to the $132,000.00 hospital bill. I’m use to it. I’ll probably die of lung cancer from over exposure to X-rays.

Well, maybe I’m not used to putting my bare chest next to that cold panel and having my chin so high that my neck clicks.

After the X-ray, I sat down and talked to an old fellow like me who had been sent home from an overseas mission because he had heart problems and had to have surgery. He was eager for the doctor to tell him he could get back into the harness.

The old man left so I talked to my wife. Finally, I was ushered to one of those waiting rooms that are so cold that you need a parka to keep warm.

I set there for what seemed like hours when the doctor’s assistant came in and checked me over. After giving me a thorough going over she said, “Now let’s check the heart!”

I though that she had checked the heart about 50 times.

She said that the heart was fine and then we had a major discussion on medications. I told her I was taking “flush-free niacin” and she told me that she had never heard of it. I take that because Walgreen® has it and I can’t take the other niacin medications because they give me hot flashes and rashes. I have to take 1500 mg a day.

I wonder if that stuff is doing anything for me but the doctor’s keep telling me, “Keep doing what you are doing!”

They get big bucks from Medicare and AARP for that advice.

The doctor’s assistant said, “The doctor will be right with you.”

I wanted to say, You know! You can go to hell for lying just like you can for murder!

I read the seven magazines that were there in the cold-storage locker, none of them which were on astronomy, science, fishing, cosmology, physics, chemistry, animals, art, photography ( I like the pictures), farming, landscaping, news, travel, or any other subject worth reading.

I got discouraged and decided to open the door hoping that someone would look in and say, “OH! Are you still waiting?”

The doctor’s assistant looked in and said, “He’s right here. He’ll be there shortly.”

I looked in the drawers for a copy of War and Peace or the The Lost Works of Tolstoy and Other Russian Writers. I found nothing. I settled for studying the heart model trying to figure out how in the heck the doctor was able to replace my aortic valve with that of my friend, the pig. (God Rest His or Her Soul!)

I’ve tried to get the name of that pig and his history. The doctor told me last year that he or she was “Number 2877399998.”

Finally my doctor came in and we shot the bull about our families, fishing, Idaho, and other mundane subjects discussed by people who know each other well.

My doctor’s family lived in Iowa as did we and his dad was on the staff of the Medical School at the University of Iowa where my oldest son went to Medical School. His father repaired the heart of my daughter-in-laws little sister years ago. Now he is “retired” and runs the Mormon Church’s overseas medical program.

I said, “Can I jog?”

He said, “Do what ever you feel like doing!”

So that was that!

I could jog!

I could jog again like I did when I was in high school. I use to go to the race track at the Utah State Fair Grounds by my house and run and run and run!

When I got home, armed with the new knowledge that I could jog, I bought a new pair of Nike® jogging shoes on sale at JC Penney®.

I could hardly wait to get on the high school track next to my house.

I got on the track and a young man decided to give me some lessons on jogging as I ran along beside him. I found that I could jog about 50 yards without falling over dead.

After much practice, I can now jog ½ lap or 1/8 of a mile. I can do it only once. On the second lap, I can jog about 1/3 of a lap. That is about it for the last two laps of a mile. I therefore have not cut my exercise time down much.

I might mention that when an old man jogs, he self destructs. He slams down on the track like a ten-ton (907.1847 kg) elephant. His knees shake after the first 20 yards (18.288 meters). He gasps for air and his teeth start to hurt (or they fall out on the track). His muscles scream at the exertions and his brain says, “Stop, you idiot! You are too old to jog! You’ve got a pig’s valve for cryin’ out loud!”

So I jog part of each lap for four laps. I usually keep walking for another mile. So in the morning I go a mile or two and again in the evening I go another mile or mile and one-half. My weight is either stabilized or is dropping very slowly. I can’t figure out which but I’m satisfied that the weigh is staying off.

I figure that I’ve saved about 5 minutes a day by jogging.

Let’s see, in one year that will be 1.26 days.

I think I’ll go fishing!

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com), a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself "Taylor Jones, the hack writer." More info: www.tjbooks.com Business web site: www.aaaflagpoles.com

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