Could You Date Someone Ugly?

Q. Can you date someone regardless of how their facial or body appearance is? Does beauty have to be on the outside as well as the inside? (Marina)

A. Anyone who says that beauty doesn't matter is likely to be lying. If they are not, the statement has an association with how they view themself and their own experience. It suggests they do not consider themselves to be any great 'beauty' so they are hoping people will ignore their physicality to concentrate on the inner person. But there are some things in conflict with this approach.

First, until we open our mouths and speak, nature has only one way of bringing people together: their looks. Thus the whole process starts with whether someone's physical appearance appeals to us in any way for us to take it further and discover more about them. Then it moves to voice, then personality and finally the whole person. Yes, we have to have that inner beauty of warmth, compassion and care. But we cannot know anything about someone's inner beauty until we make physical contact and it is the outer beauty that decides the fate of the connection before anything else. So, when someone says that looks doesn't matter and it is only the inner being that should count, they might as well date a horse or a dog, because for them, only what's inside that matters!!

Secondly, when we speak of looks, we are not talking about some inflexible version of beauty, or certain socially engineeered perceptions of beauty, like the Brad Pitts and Denzel Washingtons of this world. Looks are individual to the person they appeal to. That is why I adore Richard Gere and Robert de Niro, but see nothing so handsome in Brad Pitt. Yet millions of panting women would disagree with me. I am judging Gere and de Niro by my own personal interpretation of what constitutes 'beauty' which might not match that of many other women.

So, could we date someone who isn't good looking?

Yes, we could. Looks are not defined by the rest of the world, but by our own individual perception and yardstick of what we find appealing in another human being, which might then appear 'ugly' and unattractive to others. Looks are also racially, culturally and gender referenced. So what might be regarded externally as 'ugly' in one culture might be simply beautiful within it. Thus our soulmate's looks has to appeal to us personally for us to appreciate it, not a universal appeal which is vague and undefining. That's why we always wonder at the pairing of some couples because we cannot see what they can see in each other. Yet, to that couple, the mutual beauty is clear and unmistakeable. We are not able to see the attraction because we are judging that couple from our yardstick of beauty, not theirs.

Looks do matter, in all forms, particularly one's face - and boobs!! It's just that some people like to pretend that it doesn't, if their own feelings about themselves tend to be negative. The only sure thing about looks is that they are individual in appeal to whomever is attracted, while they can be repelling to someone else, but they are essential in bringing us together for pairing. Everything else is secondary!

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone and www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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