Home | Self Improvement | Attraction
3. Irrelevant Search Criteria Please see Part 12. A Lack of Courtesy, Effort and Social Skills Common courtesy seems to be escaping many people, women in particular, in responding to approaches. Many professional and articulate women are registered on websites, or they deliberately go to pubs and clubs, to SEEK partners. Despite current emphasis on equality, we still expect men to make the first move. However, when they overcome their fear and shyness to do so, we tend to give them short shrift, especially if they do not look like the ideal or do not say what we want to hear! Amazing what a simple 'No, thank you, but I am flattered by your interest' can do to let someone down gently and reinforce their value and dignity. More difficult suitors can be kept at bay with the exciting news that you have 'just met someone else and would like to follow that through before pursuing any other interest' .. a favourite for unwanted and persistent attention! They never know if it is true or not but it is a powerful lever to have.The top need for people of Britain in a Channel 4 TV nationwide poll of 'new commandments' was: 'Treating people the way I wish to be treated'. If we do not expect people to ignore us, to be rude and to be boorish, then we shouldn't act that way ourselves. One insecure 40 year old woman used to criticise all men who made a pass at her, or even said hello. She immediately judged them in all sorts of aspects without ever taking the trouble to simply get to know them first. She was very attractive and got a lot of attention, initially, until the men became discouraged trying to match her impossible standards and general disrespect. 'Courtesy costs nothing, give generously', as they say. Being a positive force, it is guaranteed to make that person's day in some way and reinforce the kind of desirable behaviour we all seek.However, even worse than courtesy is weak conversational and interactive skills! Men and women, having got more equality down the years, have become more unequal in knowing the rudiments of social protocol and how to treat one another with confidence, courtesy and respect, especially when making the first contact through simple conversation. This is usuallly stilted and one-sided, with one person talking too much, or hardly any questions being asked. Yet only questions supply answers, not just making statements. A good conversation will not only demonstrate genuine interest but is also an important source for getting to know that person and providing clues to personal preferences which can progress the friendship further.1. Unrealistic Expectations: The biggests obstacle to successful relationships. How often have you heard that someone is only seeking 'fun' or 'friendship first' before a relationship? These are both highly unreal expectations. First of all, 'fun' is natural and automatic when you are IN a relationship and clearly enjoying yourself with that special person. It is the greatest joy and excitement there is and cannot be sought at will or fabricated to suit. Real fun is part and parcel of a great match and entirely automatic. Usually a desire for 'fun' by itself means either just a sexual friendship or a liaison with no commitment.Few women are ever happy with just fun/sex or no strings, unless they too are full of fear. As highly emotional beings, allowing sex with someone else is, to them, an indicator of their desirability, worth and value. With no follow-up in terms of commitment, they begin to doubt that value and eventually feel resentful and used, even if they were happy to go along with 'just fun' initially. Unlike many men, very few women simply desire sex. The hope is always that a sexual or 'fun' relationship will turn into something else more lasting. And the older the age group the more likely this will be. But such 'fun' situations seldom last because fear usually gets in the way. As to 'friendship', when we are seeking partners, attraction comes first and foremost. When we get to know the person better, or we are no longer physically attracted to them, another kind of understanding and friendship develops. It is not possible for pure friendship to exist, at first, between two individuals who are drawn together as potential mates. It is pie-in-the-sky to expect just 'friendship' when a sexual attraction exists. Any talk of a platonic 'friendship' in this case usually suits only one person, never both, and one who wishes to have their cake and eat it!Quite simply, such 'friendship' really means they would like you around them as much as possible, but on their terms. Yet nothing is more painful and soul-destroying than to see a potential lover giving their love to someone else – the love you might crave – while they talk of being 'friends' with you! It is guaranteed to lower your sense of worth and esteem and keep you in a constant state of yearning. Another extension of the 'friendship' ideal relates to Internet dating where there is much promise of 'being friends' afterwards if a meeting does not lead to loving. That seldom works either because of the acute disappointment that ensues which follows high expectations when the parties do not click. (See my other article Why Friendship and Dating Do Not Go Together)Yet another unrealistic expectation is for finding 'happiness'. But no other person can make us happy. True happiness comes from within which we then share with someone else once we meet them. If we are miserable old goats, we stay just like that after the honeymoon is over, and if we are bright extroverts, that's how we'll remain too. As I have said in my book, Money, Sex & Compromise, others can only enhance what we have within us, they cannot provide it! In fact, it is when we are truly happy with, and also love, ourselves that we begin to attract the type of person we seek - through the natural Law of Attraction - and are able to love another in every sense of the word.
Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONSULTANT for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"
Please Rate this Article
5 out of 54 out of 53 out of 52 out of 51 out of 5
Not yet Rated
