Marriage Counsellor: Analyzing Criticisms

By: Michael Russell

Couples engaged in a power struggle are often very critical of one another. The natural tendency for a partner when criticized is to become defensive which only serves to heighten and prolong the power struggle. However, when analyzed criticisms can be extremely valuable sources of information and can help couples to gain new understanding and insight into themselves, their partners and their relationship.

First of all, a marriage counsellor has to work with the couple to open them up to the notion that one's own perceptions offer a limited view of reality. When one becomes aware of and receptive to the views of their partner, a whole world of information is now available to them. So instead of defending themselves when criticized, partners can analyze the criticism and see if there is any truth there and look for insights and try to gain knowledge.

Criticisms can contain much hidden information, not only about the person being criticized but also about the criticizer as well. An important realization about criticisms in a relationship is that they have some basis in reality. Partners generally are very aware of their partners' negative traits and weak spots but often point these out in an accusatory manner, which elicits a defensive reaction. When a partner can overcome the need to be defensive and see the truth in a criticism, awareness can develop regarding a possible disowned trait and furthermore, the tendency to project this trait onto the criticizer can also be eliminated.

An individual can also analyze their criticisms of their partner to gain insight regarding their own wounds suffered in childhood. Let's look at an example of a common criticism like "you are so disorganized". When a person can be shown to analyze this statement to reveal their underlying thoughts and feelings and ask themselves if they ever had these thoughts and feelings as a child some important discoveries can be made. In this case it may be that this individuals parents were very disorganized which left them unable to be attentive to their needs as a child. Therefore, when their partner acts in a similar manner it creates a feeling of being not taken care of.

It can be seen then that criticisms, especially the repetitious, ongoing and emotional ones, are often disguised statements of ones' own unmet needs. Further, one can analyze a criticism to see if actually they are guilty of the same thing. A person can ask themselves, "In what way is my criticism of my partner also true of me?" In this way it can be revealed if the criticism is an attempt to deal with a disowned part of oneself by externalizing it and projecting it onto the partner. This can greatly assist a person to psychologically own the projection and withdraw it.

Therefore, through analyzing criticisms, an individual may be able to make an important discovery concerning disowned parts of themselves. Further, a person may make the distinction that the criticism actually is a description not of their disowned self, but of their lost self. In the above example, a person may scrutinize their behaviour and find that they are indeed very organized. Thus the criticism of the partner may reflect the unconscious need to be less organized and more spontaneous and carefree. The criticism actually is a resentment of the partners' perceived freedom and represents a repressed or undeveloped issue that they can now address.

An analysis of criticisms can provide extremely valuable information about both partners in a marriage. The knowledge gained from this insight can be converted into a growth-inducing process. When the underlying basis for criticisms are discovered, partners can work towards alleviating or resolving the unmet or repressed needs and begin to help each other on the path to wholeness.

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