Marriage Self Help Books

I practically dove into marriage self-help books at some point during our engagement, seeking help before any problems arose. Maybe I should have brought one to the wedding. Maybe I shouldn't have brought one on the honeymoon. Who knows? But even they don't seem to help us, they help me, and that's what matters.

After reading more books than my husband prefers, I can say with confidence that the general message behind them is the same. The most important rule is the one your mom taught you before a playdate - "Be nice." They also teach, "Don't say things in anger." My personal favorite, of course, is "Don't yell." If I don't yell, what do I should I do with my anger, turn my head into a cartoon volcano with lava flowing out my ears?!

Of course, the books teach you how to communicate without yelling, insulting, or speaking profanity next. The material resembles the Psychology 101 course I took in college. "Use 'I' statements, not 'you' statements." "Rate your feelings and the importance of the issue on a scale of one to ten." "No namecalling." I know all of these things, but I wish I could do a straight download to the brain. Actions may speak louder than words, but both are murder to change. Not only that, but when I start saying in a level voice, "I feel angry because when..." my husband mimcs, "I don't like it when YOU use those stupid 'I' statements!" Well, that ends that discussion.

Next comes my favorite line, the infamous, "Go on a date every week once you get married. At least go out once a month." This worked great when we only had the two of us to worry about. Now we have three small children. Do you know what a babysitter costs? If my husband and I take a limo to eat steak and go to a private screening of a movie, we have still paid the sitter more than we spent going out. Right now, our date budget limits us to dollar movies and Mickey D's dollar menu. We haven't figured out how to convince the sitter to go on the dollar plan. Hopefully, we'll come up with something before our kids turn into teenagers and make the whole point moot. At least then, our oldest daughter can watch her siblings for free.

High on the list for building good communication, we learn to turn off the television and talk to each other. And kids are off topic. Once we have exhausted the subject of my husband's work (I ask "What did you do today?' and he says, "I went to work." Try as I may, I can't squeeze any more out of him), we just sit and stare blankly. Neither of us watch the news, and the joy of email means every time something funny happens, he reads it in his inbox. Yes, of course, we are supposed to have a hobby or something - instead, we had three children in four years (and that's not a comment on our hobby, by the way, just our luck). So we stare at each other for ten minutes, and then turn on the television.

After all this, you would think I would give up on the marriage self-help books. Yet I continue reading them. The reason is simple - they all confirm that men and women speak different languages. Yes, 90% of the world already knows this, but my husband doesn't. When I tell him I don't want a solution for the problems I'm having with the kids, he says, "Why are you talking to me then?" Thankfully, the marriage books keep me from decking him, since I realize he is a man with desire to attack problems head-on, while most women other than myself also just want a sympathetic ear. Not only that, but when something upsets me and he can't figure out why, I take joy in hearing from several sources that the same thing upsets most women, too. His solution of, "Just don't let it get to you," is a nice, masculine solution. He can't help it - he was born that way.

So even if you can never manage to wring change, from either yourself or your spouse, a marriage self-help book can make you feel like you are not alone. And when frustration with your husband reaches an all-time high, a nice, heavy marriage self-help book makes a satisfying thud when thrown against the wall.

Nola Redd has been happily married for five and a half years

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

This article has been submitted in affiliation with www.Prye.Com/ which is a site for Wedding Invitations. You can read more of Nola's fiction and nonfiction at Writing.Com/authors/scottiegaz

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