Relationship In Trouble - Stop Calling!

By: Alisa Chagnon

If you are in a relationship and things have seem to taken a turn for the worse, you may feel confused, frustrated and betrayed. If the other person in the relationship has not quite broken up with you, but has taken the relationship down a few notches, you may be tempted to do quite a few things in an attempt to improve the situation. It is important to understand why you feel this way, learn the correct method of dealing with the turn of events and discover how you can cope with the feelings you are having.

When a person seems to be backing away from you, one of the main actions they will take is to distance themselves regarding contact. For an example of this, we will use the names of “Jim” and “Lisa”. Jim and Lisa had been in a relationship for nine months. They had reached the point of feeling in love. Despite time not allowing them to see each other every day, they had an ongoing schedule of talking each day. They would communicate via telephone or instant messaging. Knowing when to expect a call or to begin chatting via computer, Lisa would look forward to this time each day. Then things changed.

Jim told Lisa that he had been undergoing some stress involving his work. It was at this time that he began to back away from Lisa. Lisa tried to offer support, however Jim did not seem to want her advice and he told her that he preferred to deal with the issue himself. As the days progressed, Lisa would sit by her telephone or computer, waiting for Jim, who never called or showed. She began to feel rejected, sad and confused. Feeling ignored by the man she loved, her mounting frustration led her to call him frequently. Quite often, he would not answer his telephone. She would leave him offline messages on their instant messaging system, airing her feelings of grief over his “disappearances”.

After finally contacting Jim, Lisa expressed her extreme concern that she felt she was “losing” Jim. She explained that when he did not call her, or meet her on the computer, she felt very sad. She asked him to stop ignoring her and told him that they should talk through any problems. Jim promised to call Lisa very soon. Giving her the excuse that his computer was not working, he promised to meet her online as soon as possible. He asked Lisa to stop calling, as it was expensive for her to do so, and to wait for his call. Lisa did not hear from Jim for a week, and she has a very strong urge to call him.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Any situation similar to this puts a person in a complicated, non-defined relationship. Feeling as though the other person in the relationship no longer cares, a person will begin to mourn the loss and feel abandoned. However, at the same time, not directly told that the relationship is over, a person still holds on, hoping to reconnect and find a resolution to any problems.

Sitting by the phone waiting for a call, becomes an integral part of the day. Thoughts of the other person’s mindset preoccupy ones’ thoughts, sometimes to the point of not functioning properly at work and at home. The need to contact the other person is so strong; it can lead to frustration and actions that only add to unhappiness. It is a normal impulse to want to talk with the other person and learn exactly where the relationship stands. It is at this point, that one must realize that no amount of calling on the telephone will change the other person’s state of mind or fix any problems.

It is a difficult urge to overcome, to refrain from repeatedly calling the other person. Even if they answer their phone, in a case such as this, where the other person is incapable of defining the relationship, there is an avoidance of questions and any promises will not withstand. It will provide a temporary relief if you are told that they love you, they will call you soon, everything is fine, etc. However, the key word is temporary. Once the conversation ends, you will be back at your phone and waiting for it to ring.

Easier said than done, one must realize that if someone they care about is not making contact, it simply means they do not wish to! If someone truly cares about another, that person would make every attempt possible to reassure his or her love, and confirm that the relationship is strong. In today’s world, it is quite easy to pick up a telephone and make a call, even if it need be brief

If someone is leaving you to sit by a telephone that never rings, despite their promises, it sadly means that they most probably easing out of the relationship. If you continually telephone the other person, they will become frustrated. You will become frustrated. You may feel as if you cannot withstand a lack of communication. This is a normal feeling, when loving someone. You may feel an overwhelming urge for the other person to explain their actions. If the other person wishes to remain silent and not respond to your requests, no amount of calling in the world will produce the results you are looking for.

One of the most difficult feelings a person goes through in life, is the loss of a relationship in which they love the other person very deeply. A relationship ending in an undefined way, only adds to this feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Calling the other person endlessly will not improve the situation. You will only feel distraught when they do not answer or if told everything is ok, when it is not.

When the person you love is ignoring you, they are showing a tremendous lack of caring. They are proving to you that they do not care that you are sad, they do not care that you are in emotional pain caused by their lack of communication. They are putting their wants and needs ahead of any emotional distress you are feeling. They are showing you their true colors. Do you wish to be in a relationship with someone who does not care for your feelings?

One wishes for a person that is kind, caring, and supportive of our feelings. No one can force a person to change his or her core personality. No amount of calling will magically make the other person love you, or for that matter, make them realize they should at least finalize the ending of the relationship instead of avoiding it. When and if the person you love wishes to be with you, they will certainly call you. Believing that you have the power to keep the relationship alive, by being the only person to initiate contact is futile.

It is at this time, that you must find the courage and strength to be the mature one. You must find the power to fight the urges to call. If the other person truly loves you, they will contact you. You have already expressed your love. You have already expressed a desire for the relationship to be “back to normal”. You have already expressed the desire to be with them. Telling them this information repeatedly, will not fix anything. If the relationship is over, regardless of the fact that the other has not outwardly told you, it is time to accept it, mourn it and begin the healing process. Contact that used to be an essential part of your day will one day become a distant memory if given enough time. Strong feelings of love will slowly change into acceptance of having loved someone who did not give you what you deserved. If the relationship is over, leave with dignity. As heartbreaking as it is, stop calling.