Relationships - The Most Lethal Cause of Stress(2)

Note that of the 12 major causes of stress in Part 1 only two, or three at the most, are clearly work-related. The others are all personal, with relationships and family problems taking crucial positions in the top five. The list affirms my belief that relationships do score most highly as causes of stress levels, with work trailing behind. After all, if someone is reasonably happy in their personal life, they can weather the storms at work much better than if they are also unhappy at home. Often unhappiness in work, or absenteeism from it, is not dictated by the work environment at all. Personal unhappiness is likely to have its root cause in the home relationship; in problems which people do not find easy to discuss with others, which they tend to keep secret for fear of losing face, or generating gossip, and which make coping with work issues far more difficult and problematic.

For example, I learnt that nine months after I left home, my ex-husband was still pretending that I was at home to some people. Yet he may have been churning inside with anxiety about his situation, which would have affected his work in some way. Unless he discussed his feelings and fears, who would have known the level of his worry or been able to offer any comfort?No one at all. Yet colleagues would have probably attributed any side-effects from his crisis to stress at work! Loneliness is another case in point. People tend to vote with their feet to deal with it, or become workaholics instead.

The Samaritans reinforce the stress lists mentioned with the statement that “One in five Britons suffers stress every day”, as revealed by its own survey. The poll of 1,885 people suggests that concern over jobs and money – two of the key ingredients for a successful relationship – are major causes of stress. Many of those affected said that their situation leaves them feeling depressed, isolated and with nowhere to turn, which then generates conflict within the home. Yet, if feelings are bottled up or ignored, they can lead to more severe emotional distress, and real health problems. Dr Raj Persaud, author of Staying Sane, says the findings are not surprising. “The social support structures that used to help people to cope by getting things off their chest, such as extended family and neighbours, no longer exist in the same way that they did.”

No wonder we often feel overwhelmed.

Lonlier Lives
One can always change a job, but it is exceedingly difficult to change a partner and a home situation for the benefit of everyone affected, especially where children are involved. There will always be losers, even in the most amicable break-ups. Thus we tend to dread this final step, or to shy away from it altogether, regardless of the deleterious and increasingly corrosive effect of bad relationships on our lives. It is a sure sign of low confidence why we would stay in a debilitating or controlling situation which damages our well-being and prospects and denies a partner the opportunity to find happiness too. It is also a lack of respect which makes us seek revenge on our partners because they fancy someone else or to make them responsible for our lives. If a relationship has lost its attraction, it is very difficult to get it back, especially if one person does not wish to make the effort. The best action in such a case is to move on, no matter how painful the hurt.

In an increasingly individualistic society, people are left to cope with life largely on their own, yet with inadequate experience of dealing with social or interactive issues. We are living lonelier lives now, convinced in ourselves, especially after a break-up, that no one will want us again and fearing any kind of long term commitment in case we are disappointed or hurt once more. But a negative self-perception tend to affect others negatively too in a circular effect which gradually makes things worse.

One woman, who had been divorced for 15 years, was so low in confidence that she made herself feel better by looking for people and things to criticise. She seldom mentioned anything positive about her life. Being so pessimistic, she explained that she expected nothing from others and simply blamed various relatives for the break-up of her marriage while putting them down as well. Not once did she mention anything that could have been attributed to her in the break-up. But that’s what stress does. It clouds our view of life, making it much more negative, one-sided and destructive while making it harder for us to cope with the actual reality.

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone and www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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