The Impact of Opposing Gender Development on Relationships (1)

Adult evolution is one of the silent killers in many unions, the chameleon which changes quietly from one form to another while partners are not even looking, or prefering not to acknowledge its presence. It scuppers relationships in the end, without any kind of warning, because our aspirations at the beginning would have given way to new ones which are often at odds with those of our partners.

The first time we are likely to become aware of this deadly change is when we realise that we have reached the next emotional or intellectual staging post in our life and there is no one there to greet us. Or the person who greets us bears little resemblance to our partner, one who has completely changed in attitude and/or appearance. This is because we are developing all the time, a factor we do not really take enough notice of until it leads to a complete change of perspective and forces us to see those close to us in a different light.

Additionally, our spouse could either have gone ahead to their next pit stop (to put new knowledge, new partners or new stimuli into action) or would be still stuck at the last stage, unable to keep up with us, ignoring the changing times, while being wedded to the ‘good old’ ways for comfort and security. That is when we realise that something is missing from the relationship, which we are unlikely to recover until that person has resolved his/her own issues. Problem is, they might never be resolved because of the sense of security and denial they allow to partners and the blame which can be placed on the other party for any conflict, resentment or loss of opportunities which are likely to follow.

All this is not surprising. From a basic level, adult gender development is almost diametrically opposed. Women tend to lack self-belief when they are young while that is the most prolific time for male aspirations and belief in their own capabilities. Most men tend to be brash, bold and career-oriented at the start of their adult development. They put timescales on their achievements, often wanting to be ‘a millionaire’ by the time they are 30! With so many successful peer models at the highest achievement levels to encourage them, they see the world as their oyster and they cannot wait to get at the pearl within it. They do not worry about female advancement at that stage because they believe they are in charge, in every sense of the word: in charge of their life, their work, their women and their world!

Search for Perfect Partners
Not surprisingly, men underestimate the obstacles they’ll face in getting to that elusive ‘million’, and are bitterly disappointed when the dream does not work to plan, hence the likelihood of a mid-life crisis. They are also at their sexual peak during this early stage, the romantic chase and hunt often being more stimulating than the actual catch in the bid to prove personal virility and emerging manhood. This is where they are likely to have many liaisons, averaging three or four months in each relationship, while they search for the ‘perfect partner’ or the 'right' mate.

Lacking essential role models around them, women are not as confident at this early age, being less aspirational and more vulnerable. In their desire to be appealing and accommodating, women tend to suppress their talent, emotions and expression so as not to put off potential partners or to appear too brassy and bold. Instead they might play ‘hard to get’. The imposition of conflicting gender norms also robs women of their confidence and keeps them in their place. Society condones the perception that men may sow their proverbial oats at every opportunity when they are young, but women must not have a sexual history. That’s fine for a temporary fancy, but they have to be almost virginal to be accepted as permanent wives! Any mention of too many partners, suitors or intimate encounters and a young girl is instantly regarded as a ‘slapper’, ‘slut’ or a willing ‘mattress’. In some Asian cultures women are not even allowed near men after puberty until they are safely married, so as to avoid any shame on the family through intimate contact.

In the workplace, any show of corporate ambition or career aspiration in a woman is also regarded as ‘pushy’, ‘aggressive’ or ‘unrealistic’, while those traits are greatly valued in young men. This means that men have an automatic platform of aspiration and personal validation denied women in the early stages of their adult journey; one that reinforces their perceived worthiness for the achievements ahead. In fact, if you look at any descriptive profiles of serious, successful men, it will always be about their talent, impact and achievements while profiles for women, written by men or the media, will relate to their looks, clothes and social behaviour! In short, it is about male intellect and power compared to female looks and attitude.

Of course, there is no contest in a workplace which values intellect and creativity over appearance and vulnerability. Hence this is not an age for female confidence. The onset of equality may be slowly changing the gender landscape in the Western world, but it will take a little while to reverse society’s insecure, limiting and unequal perception of talented women.

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone and www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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