We are Soooo In Love, So Why Doesn't My Partner Want To Progress it?

Q. I have just met a wonderful guy I've fallen in love with but, while he also declares his love for me and seems really smitten too, he seems reluctant to engage in the physical and intimate part of it. He's always working, just talking on the phone and never seeming to have enough time to see me. He has also been reluctant to spend a night with me. There is always some work-related activity calling his attention. What can I do to speed things up before I go mad or lose interest? (Jenny)

A. There are always reasons why men, in particular, might not be as keen to progress a relationship, especially if they have been hurt before, which are usually underpinned by fear. But there are four popular, classic ones to be aware of:

1. They are married or in a relationship. The tell-tale signs are always there: most active and attentive during the days, or at specific times to suit themselves, but seldom available on a weekend, night or times to suit you. Their main mode of communication will be mobile or emails, but calls are usually at set times too, with a definite pattern of availability. They usually prefer to call you. There will always be a reason why they cannot do a particular activity at a particular time and they will be busy with 'work' or something else at those times. For many women on the receiving end of this behaviour, they are probably so 'in love', like you, they are blind to the signs, that are ALWAYS there. They are so happy to have found the 'right' guy, they deliberately overlook these anomalies until it is too late.

2. They are feeling impotent and have anxieties around any development in the relationship, especially sexual ones. Many men, particularly older ones who have had a rough time, or are just leaving their relationships, are likely to have had less sexual encounters than others. When they finally meet the person they like, it creates fresh anxieties about their performance, how they will measure up to what the woman might have experienced before and whether they can fulfil her needs and expectations. This anxiety increases in proportion to match the confidence of the partner. Many men find it difficult to deal with independent and highly confident women who know what they want and are not afraid to get it. They tend to be low in self-esteem and are afraid of not being able to please their mate. So they find all sorts of excuses not to engage in sex at all for as long as possible.

3. They have been hurt before and their work becomes a substitute partner while they search for the 'perfect' relationship. These men seem tied to their work because, after any hurt or break-up, work is always a refuge to ease the pain. However, somewhere down the line, work takes them over completely without them realising it, but they don't mind too much because anything is better than a lonely house or flat on their own each day. Work becomes ideal to stave off the loneliness but gradually robs them of a life and reduces their social skills. When they finally set eyes on a potential new mate, lots of doubts creep in about whether it will last, whether the right decision is being made, whether they should open themselves to someone else again, even though it makes them feel good. So they stay stuck with the job, reluctant to change the status quo, while enjoying the benefits of a new companion. They feel in control by keeping that new person at arms length while fear overtakes them as they worry about making space for the new woman in their life, and fret about whether they will get hurt again if they rush in too quickly. They are torn between the need for love and companionship and possible hurt. In the meantime, the women are likely to misinterpret this procrastinating, get anxious about the lack of activity and vote with their feet. The men's fears then become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

4. If the men are significantly younger, they could be seeing you as a 'mother' figure rather than a lover. Some men can be ambiguous about their needs. Often they are searching for a mother, but initially approach the woman as a lover, or vice versa. However, some time later, when they are feeling comfortable and secure with the new relationship, they then find it hard to make the transition from 'son' to lover. They want that person very much, but their 'respect' for the new mate, and desire not to upset the connection keeps them from anything sexual. Instead, they will give mixed messages to keep the status quo. It has always been regarded as okay, and even encouraged, for very young women to be seen with older men but much older women with younger men is a relatively new phenomenon which many couples are now enjoying. The only thing about this situation is that perspectives around these matches are still ambiguous and the rules of engagement are still be set. It means that though the relationship is likely to be intimate, it will take a longer time to do so, if the man is not quite sure what he wants, or the woman happens to be the 'mothering' type. Only clear expressions regarding individual expectations from the outset usually speeds it up.

I am not sure if any of these ring any bells, Jenny, as only you know your particular situation but, from experience and research, I would suggest that one of these, at least, is causing your anxieties. If you look closely enough at the symptoms, it shouldn't be too hard to identify the culprit!

Article Source: http://www.content.onlypunjab.com

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - www.myspace.com/elaineone and www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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