- Giuliani Weighs Presidential Run; Seeks Advice From All Three Wives
Sure, Rudy Giuliani would be a great presidential candidate and would very likely make an outstanding President. But he has to weigh his decision to run very carefully with his three wives.He has not only loved as a man might. He has loved three women enough to marry them. Given the neo-Puritanical ethic that seems to haunt much of our current populace, such a frequent vote for marital bliss can hardly be called prudent preparation for the slanderous rigors of contemporary politics. - Too Soon To Say Goodbye By Art Buchwald; He Who Laughs Last
The genial political humorist Art Buchwald, who we had the pleasure of meeting, has taken leave, but not without writing a sometimes humorous, sometimes macabre book, about his final days.To his dismay, his kidneys decided to stop functioning, and, after giving dialysis a few tries, he declined to continue. He checked into a hospice with the intention of accepting his end in comfort. But, as biochemistry still has its inscrutable ways, his final moment declined to arrive. Inexplicably, his kidneys began to work again and he was remanded to his home in Martha's Vineyard, where he was able to live out his last days. - Moose Vamoose For Mars; Too Many People On Earth
"We'll take two tickets to Mars," a bear said, holding out the fare with his paw."Two tickets it is," the ticket agent at Animal Escape said, and handed them over. "Please, have a seat in the waiting room. The next rocket departs in one hour.""Thanks," the bear replied, and headed for a nearby bench with his mate and their two cubs.An eager moose and his mate were next in line. They watched as the ticket agent gathered up a pile of ticket receipts and, with a terrible intimation of finality, placed them aside."Next?" the agent said, looking back at the moose couple.The hopeful escapees stepped up to the counter."Two tickets to Mars," the male announced, and flipped the cash to the agent with his antler. - Henry Ford Wakes Up; Fires Great-Grandson
The Ford Motor Company has of late been so inept at building cars Americans would like to own that Henry Ford no longer found it possible to remain dead.Making a surprise appearance at Ford Headquarters, he entered his great-grandson's office, and said, "What the hell is going on, Billy?""Who are you?" asked William Clay Ford, Jr., now the CEO of the company."Who do I look like? Certainly, you've seen my pictures since you were a child in swaddling vinyl?""Don't tell me! Great granddad?""Don't great-granddaddy me, Billy boy! Why can't you make a car people want to buy?" - Freud Documents Central Role of Sex With His Wife’s Sister
New evidence reveals that Sigmund Freud documented his belief in the central role of sex by his own behavior. A Swiss hotel register shows that he signed in with his wife’s sister as "Dr Sigm Freud u frau," the German abbreviation for “Dr. Sigmund Freud and wife.”While an affair with the sister, known as "the Minna matter," as opposed to his wife, the Martha matter, has long been the subject of conjecture, the hotel record seems to confirm that he did enjoy a sexual dalliance with the other lady Bernays. - Why Ice Cream Melts In The Sun; The Middle East Explanation
A child ran into an ice-cream shop in The Middle East with tears streaming down his cheeks."What’s wrong," the shopkeeper asked."The ice cream I just bought from you is melting!" the child wailed, holding up the evidence.Sure enough, the delectable treat was dripping down the cone."I’m sorry," the merchant told him."I want a new one," the child demanded."I’ll be happy to give it to you, but I warn you; it will also melt."“But why?” the child asked. “Is it the heat?”The shopkeeper glanced at the thermometer that hung on the wall. It read 110 degrees."No, son, it is not the heat.""Then what is it?""Blame America." - A Sentimental Visit To The Junkyard of Great Ideas
Excuse our innocence. We used to think that great ideas have influence. But they seem to have been tossed in the junkyard by an alarming number of people, who are evidently guided by ideas that are pretty much the opposite of the ones we have in mind.We missed the originals and grew sentimental about them. So we reflected on their fate. Here is a selection of them, along with what seem to be their current replacements. - Salk Institute Forum On Religion And Science Almost Grasps The Obvious
Recently, there was a forum on religion and science at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla, California, attended by a number of brilliant people who have obviously walked by the philosophy section of their campus bookstores without picking up a copy of anything.The meeting was, expectedly, weighted toward skepticism, with the vocal Richard Dawkins, the evolutionary biologist from Oxford, who wrote “The God Delusion,” in attendance to inform us, ““I am utterly fed up with the respect that we — all of us, including the secular among us — are brainwashed into bestowing on religion.”Francis S. Collins, author of “The Language of God: A Scientists Presents Evidence for Belief,” was invited but could not attend, or decided the better part of wisdom was to absent himself. - Excuse Me, President Putin, But Is The Caviar Radioactive?
A dignitary on a recent visit to Russia got the most frightening assignment of his career.The Prime Minister told him, “You’ve been invited to have dinner with Vladimir Putin.”“No, no,” he exclaimed frantically, “Anything but that! I could end up like Litvinenko!”“Sorry,” the PM informed him. “Our relationship with Russian is too important to be damaged by the death of a mere ex-spy. You owe it to your country to have dinner with him.”“Are you going to join me?” the dignitary asked.“I would but that evening I have another engagement in another country,” the Prime Minister replied, and then frowned. “Enough hesitation! You must do you duty.” - Democrats Face Reality - So We Thought We’d Interview Reality
As the Democrats move from electioneering to responsible governance, we hear they’ll have to face reality. The question is, whose reality? Their own or George Bush’s?In order to throw some light on how the contention might evolve, we thought we’d interview Reality. So we jumped on the Metroliner and headed for Washington.Reality was kind enough to meet with us between his busy activities in both houses of Congress. So, like it or not, here’s Reality. - Al Sharpton And Jesse Jackson Repent For Use Of The “W” Word
Immediately after admonishing Michael Richards, aka Kramer, for his desperate but inexcusable use of the “N” word, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson simultaneously looked up and realized that they are often guilty of the not always innocent use of the “W” word.“Oh, I am so sorry,” Al admitted, “I just got done calling Kramer onto the carpet for using the “N” word, when I myself have often been guilty of the vituperative use of the “W” word. I have most regrettably been thoughtless in reverse.” - Life Within Finitude - How Bad Is It, I Wondered, Beside A Portrait Of George Washington?
Recently, I was sitting in a restaurant, beside a fading portrait of George Washington, as he looked down from above the fireplace. I became wistful about how even the most revered of human heroes are fragile and mortal. They all plod along in finitude like the rest of us, doing the best they can, and then time folds them up and tosses them in the trash basket of eternity.I felt, as the phrase goes, the tragic sense of life. Are we all finally no more than crumbling leaves, tumbling in the autumn wind?Then I reflected, as I make myself do during such melancholy and suspect observations, on the wholeness of life. We are also, I reminded myself, the fresh green leaves of spring and the mature ones of summer. - Mohammed Sent Back To Earth To Apologize - Read Post-It From God
The other day, we got a welcome call from a guy who claimed to be Mohammed. He said God sent him back to the earth with a Post-It note, and he wanted to come over and read it to us, so we could get it out over the Internet.We were sure he was a kook, so, being securely sane, we invited him over.Later, we got a call from the lobby, telling us there was a guy down there in a long white gown who identified himself as Mohammed but didn’t have a photo ID.“Sure, send him up,” we told the guard.Soon, there was a knock on the door. We opened it and, sure enough, there stood a man who looked just the way you’d expect a Seventh Century Bedouin like to look in clean clothes.He raised his hand, and said, “Hi. I’m Mohammed. God sent me with a Post-It.”“Great,” we replied. “Please, come in.”“Thanks.”We closed the door behind him and motioned toward the conference room. - The Alamo In Iraq - Bush Vows To Fight To The Last Iraqi
While the consensus in America has come down decidedly on leaving Iraqi to the Iraqis, George Bush seems to inhabit an Alamo of the mind. There he is, an unlikely Davy Crockett, along with Dick Cheney, as an even more unlikely Jim Bowie, holding out against all odds and vowing to fight to the last Iraqi.Only trouble is, the entire policy is based on a decision that the Iraqis themselves are incapable of sorting out their differences, as well as turning their national pride on al-Qaeda. - The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period - Second Half; The Invention of Everything
“Really?”“Yeah. We figure, why make the creatures think about the billions of things that will be going on to keep them alive. We want to free them up to think about their lives, do things they actually want to do, and, my favorite subject, think about and discover the given.”“The given?”“What the universe is made of, how it works, etc.” - New Study Shows The Good Life May Be The Short Life
Love the good things in life? So we do.Unfortunately, a new study shows that if you're content with voluntary starvation you can live longer. The proof is in the monkeys.One rhesus monkey was put on a calorie-restricted diet, while the other one was allowed to eat till content. You already know the disgusting result. - More Good News About Booze
A new medical study has provided more good news about booze. There is an ingredient in red wine that apparently really does prolong life, at least, the life of mice.How do we know? In a recent study, mice that were fed all kinds of artery-clogging foods and fattened up were given huge doses of the elixir, while other mice were just fattened up. Despite being obese, the cardiovascular systems of the lucky mice on the regimen remained healthy – so healthy the researchers, at no less than the Harvard Medical School, rushed to publish their findings even before the study was complete. - Celebrities Provide The Third Answer: Fame With Power
The usual cynic’s choice is to ask, what would you rather have, fame without power or power without fame? Yet even a cursory look at contemporary society reveals that celebrities have managed to devise a third choice: fame with power. - The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period; First Half, The Invention of Everything
At last, we came to the final meeting. It was time to invent details like gravity and magnetism. Then we were scheduled for a final question and answer period. I was waiting for the right moment to bring up my idea that every planet that would have life that can read should come with an instruction manual.“Well, what do you know? Here we are, at our final meeting. How long do you think we need?”“It should go pretty fast.”“Good. Did you prepare an agenda?”“Yes, I did. I thought we’d start with gravity, move on to magnetism, confirm food, and then cover a few elements of environmental variety that we haven’t discussed, like snow.”“Snow? What’s that?”“Something that happens to rain when it gets colder. I’ll get to it later.”“What about the Q and A session?”“I believe we scheduled that for the end.”“Good. Then, please, proceed.” - Presidential Prospects of John Kerry Not Very Merry
Although John Kerry was not very merry when he lost his bid for President, he continued to maintain that he deserves a second chance. He might have had one if it weren’t for two very significant obstacles: Hillary Clinton and John Kerry.There is little he can do about the allure of Hillary. Though she’s a member of the party that seems determined to be at odds with the inclinations of most Americans, she might have so much appeal that she can pull off a Presidential win.But a more significant obstacle for Senator Kerry is the Senator himself. Veteran politico that he is, he seems to have run his own swift boat into the rocks. How could he have allowed himself such an egregious misjudgment as to state before a university audience that anybody who doesn’t study hard could “get stuck in Iraq”? - Iran Continues To Star As The Mouse That Roared
Hardly a day goes by that we don’t hear diminutive Iran roar like a lion about its nuclear ambitions. Or growl about its mighty power by launching yet another flight of missiles. Yet among the world’s most powerful nations Iran remains inarguably diminutive. So, regardless of all the bluster, it can never be more than the mouse that roared.The powers that be can observe and even indulge Iran, but they know quite well that the mouse better behave itself, because they can always give in a backhand and send it sprawling across the floor and scurrying back into its hole.Are we attempting to make fun of the descendants of the Darius? No. We have a more considerate goal.Our intention is to reveal that the efforts of its leaders to brandish weapons and pretend to be a superpower are unwisely conceived. They hope to be what, due to their nation’s size and resources, they can never be. - Form Of Argument Used By Terrorists Not In Aristotle’s Rhetoric
As the body count mounts in Iraq, it has become evident that the terrorists, along with the homicidal sectarians, have developed a new form of argument that is not found in Aristotle’s Rhetoric.The philosopher’s civilized inclinations never prompted him to include, among such acknowledged forms of argument as Argumentum ad Populum and Argumentum ad Hominem, the terrorist oratorical mainstay, Argumentum ad Homicidium. In other words, argument by murder.We might also note that Aristotle neglected to include it even though he himself had to flee threats against his life by his former, and apparently much disgruntled student, Alexander The Great. - Bush Rows Upstream In Iraq, As In Up Niagara Falls
President Bush continues to row upstream in Iraq, even though the current seems to pick up speed every minute. In fact, he seems to be rowing up Niagara Falls. But he just keeps on going, despite the fact the majority of Americans are standing on the venerable Niagara tour boat, The Maid of the Mist, and calling out to him to quit already.Apparently, the roar of the falls is too deafening for him to hear them. While he presents the appearance of flexibility, his goal remains the same: a peaceful, secure, and democratic Iraq. Does that sound like a fairytale or what? And can somebody please tap him on the shoulder and tell him fairytales don’t usually come true? - The Invention of Land Creatures; Part Seven of The Invention of Everything, Second Half
“Please, continue. But remember. Never say ‘die.’”“Believe me, I learned my lesson. Now, what’s the eventuality? You’ll be delighted to know that over time, and I mean a good deal of time, the smoke clears away and the dust settles back down. So the heat and light can get through again.”“And the whole thing starts over again?” - Halloween Takes A Hit; Ghosts And Vampires Are Now Scientifically Impossible
As if Halloween isn't in big enough trouble because of the ability of the everyday world to spook us, two of the fright night's favorite ways of horrifying children have now been declared scientific impossibilities.A scientist, determined to disabuse the public of its belief in the preternatural, has proved mathematically that vampires can't exist. Using a calculator, he determined that if a vampire sucked one person's blood each month and, in the process, turned every victim into a vampire, who in turn began to bite other people at the same rate, after just a few years the entire human race would be vampires. To be exact, he started on January 1, 1600 with just one vampire and the current human population of 537 million. According to his calculator, by July 1602 normal folks would have vanished. Since that doesn't appear to be the case, the existence of even one vampire has apparently had the stake put in its heart. - The Invention of Land Creatures; Part Seven of The Invention of Everything, First Half
When today’s meeting began, there was a special excitement in the air. We had invented the creatures that would go in the water and the air. Now, we were going to invent the land creatures. Once we decided on them, we’d have creatures for all the places where there would be places for them.“Today’s the big day. We finish inventing creatures. Did you bring any prototypes?”“Yes, I did.”“Excellent. Why don’t you take the lead?”“Thank you. I’ll get to the examples I brought in a moment, but first I’d like to give you an overview of what we have in mind in tech.”“Please, go ahead.”“Thank you. As I said in the previous meeting, we plan to utilize the creatures we already have in the water to get some up onto the land.” - Communists Sell North Korea And Iran “The Noose To Hang Themselves With”
Remember Lenin’s quip that “The capitalists would sell us the noose to hang them with”? Talk about the inevitability of history. Now the statement seems to apply more to the communists.When UN sanctions went into effect against North Korean, Beijing vowed to enforce them, at least, as much they vow to enforce anything other than repression of their own people’s freedoms. Remember how atwitter Condi Rice was about China’s willingness?But a look along its border with Kim Jong IL’s potentate’s paradise reveals that goods and services are passing the Chinese boarder guards as freely as they did before sanctions were imposed. And to think that we expected China to forgo profit for principles, when it has obviously attached itself to the principle that the best way to defeat the capitalists is to do business better than they - Politicians Now Have Clean Hands; Rectitude Not Required
Now, even the most nefarious politicians have clean hands. Just ask them and they’ll show them to you. How is that possible? Have they all suddenly been overcome by moral rectitude?Not at all. While we’re free to tell ourselves such a fairytale, the surprising feat is due entirely to the wide use of hand disinfectant.It seems that politicians have discovered the germ theory of disease. They know if they go out and shake a multitude of hands, they’re likely to get cold and flu germs on them and who knows what else. - Everyday Events Now Make Halloween Night Seem Safe
As we contemplate the scary rituals and costumes of Halloween, we cannot help but reflect that the everyday world has become so spooky it makes the night of goblins and witches seem downright safe.For example, we see the annual proliferation of rubber monster masks and skeletal getups in store windows that are intended to frighten children of all ages and compare the ability of them to horrify them with the world adults have condemned today's kids to grow up in, like real headless bodies being tossed into the streets of Iraq on an almost daily basis and real skeletons are unearthed in the mass graves left by Saddam Hussein’s barbarous regime. - New Bush Tactic On “Stay The Course” In Iraq: “Don’t Say It; Just Stay It.”
The press was abuzz with the news that President Bush has dropped the dumb saying in regard to Iraq that America will “stay the course.” Unfortunately, almost all other comments emanating from the oval office indicate that he intends to keep the same dumb strategy.In other words, with political pressures mounting as the November wakeup call draws nigh, the administration seems to have arrived at the politically expedient policy, “Don’t say it; just stay it.” - New Government Study Fails To Locate Mexicans Who Know What A Ladder Is
An extensive study by the U. S. government of Mexicans hoping to enter America illegally has concluded that not a single one of them knows what a ladder is. This key finding has given impetus to funding for extensions of the border fence between America and Mexico.As President Bush noted, “Today is a lucky day for America. We have learned that aspiring illegal immigrants cannot resort to ladders, because they never heard of them. So all we need is a fence that’s too high to jump over.” - New Microsoft Achievement: Making Even Norton And McAfee Feel Insecure
After years of making its users feel insecure about viruses and worms, Microsoft has finally achieved what was until now hardly imaginable: making the companies dedicated to its own security feel insecure.It seems that in its new operating system, Vista, scheduled for release in early 2007, the software giant has been unable to restrain itself from its storied monopolistic tendencies and has dared to include its own security system. - "The God Delusion" By Richard Dawkins; Philosophical Fiddling While Rome Burns
While the world goes its self-destructive way – not entirely because humans differ in their beliefs about the nature of and existence or nonexistence of God – we have yet another book by a contemporary philosopher, riffling through the dusty bones of ancient arguments that can never be settled, because one opinion supported by inconclusive evidence can never disprove another opinion supported by inconclusive evidence.The author, the widely known skeptic Richard Dawkins, chooses to take easy potshots at the traditional concept of God as presented in the Bible, the tribal tapestry of which contains threads that cannot, understandably enough, be neatly sorted out by logical analysis.He also goes on to deal with the usual proofs presented by theologians for the existence of God – first trotted out by Thomas Aquinas in his Summa Theologica, the Aristotelian riff in which he famously argued backward from his forgone conclusions.But now let’s skip to a few questions that actually matter. - The Invention of Water And Air Creatures; Part Six, The Invention of Everything, An Eyewitness Accou
Now, the stage was set. We had land, water, the sky, heat and light, and our first invention, a way for whatever creatures we would invent to reproduce and have a great time doing so. Now, we were ready to develop the actual creatures who would inhabit the invention. Today we were scheduled to start with the ones that would go in the water and air.“I want to congratulate everybody for your work so far. It’s because of your dedication and contributions that we can now invent the creatures who will inhabit the universe. I understand you brought some prototypes.”“Yes, I did. I thought some samples would be helpful.” - After Election Debate, Emergency Medics Labor To Uncross Hillary Clinton’s Fingers
In a recent debate with her Republican opponent in the race for the Senate, Hillary Clinton was repeatedly challenged about her presidential ambitions and accused of inattention to her duties as a Senator from New York. Ever unruffled, she maintained that she is very much focused on her work as a Senator and, crossing her fingers, insisted that she has not yet made a decision to run for the presidency.The debate did go on and Senator Clinton, who may still experience some constraints against outright lying, kept her fingers crossed during the entire event. As a result, she was surprised to discover immediately after leaving the podium that she simply could not uncross her digits. - North Korean Says, “Sorry. Please, Pass The Collection Basket”
Almost immediately after North Korea provoked the world by testing a nuclear weapon, the supplicant said, “We’re sorry. Please, pass the collection basket.” The Dennis The Menance routine was part of the country’s shaky policy to extract as many donations as possible in its bid to support a lavish lifestyle for Kim Jong IL without the slightest evidence that his country has an economy.The repentance was ideally timed to flatter its largest donor nation, China, which sent a nuclear envoy to discuss the upsetting explosion and, with oriental subtlety, to slap his butt for it. Spying the ideal opportunity to stroke its benefactor, at the same time it might head off pending sanctions, North Korea sent him home with a bouquet of wailing regrets.“How could we have done such a thing?” the official North Korean press agency lamented. “Imagine how wrong we were! Forgive us and hand over our incentives.” - Omnipotent Weapon Enlisted To Halt Nuclear Proliferation: The Almighty Dollar
The Bush administration has finally turned in its battle against nuclear proliferation to the one Western weapon that is apparently downright omnipotent:The Almighty Dollar.Washington has begun to employ the mighty new weapon to cut off Iran and North Korea from the international financial system. - President Of Iran Questions Iran’s Right To Exist
With a surprising salvo of bravado, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has asked the provocative question, “Does Iran have a right to exist?”In the startling speech, he warned Western nations, especially European ones, that they will be hurt if they continue to insist that Iran should not be wiped off the map. And, during a national radio address, he hinted, “You should know that the rage of people is boiling hot enough to poach a dozen pigeon eggs and is like an ocean that is welling up even worse than Katrina. Once its storm begins blowing, it will go beyond the borders of Lebanon and Palestine, and it will, God willing, hurt Iran.”The President also told a throng of thousands that Iran could not last long after its experience in backing Hezbollah in its fight with Israel. “In devastating Hezbollah,” he insisted, “Israel shattered the myth that Iran is undefeatable. So we have taken a giant step toward our cherished goal of convincing the entire world that Iran has no reason to exist.” - Three Turban Monte; Bush And Rumsfeld Find Themselves Playing A Real Sucker's Game
We all know the story of the rube who gets sucked into a game of Three-Card Monte on Fifth Avenue and watches his bets disappear in the pockets of the quick-handed sharpie at the folding card table. And what do we have in the Middle East now but a variation of the same obvious sucker’s game, which we choose to call Three Turban Monte?Can you pick the Medieval headgear under which we can hope to find a winner? Or are we bound to be snookered? - The Invention Of The Sky, Second Half of Part Four, The Invention of Everything
“I dunno. If I did, I’d be in tech.”“Heat.”“Oh, right. We don’t want the team to be cold, at least, not all the time.”“No way. They’d be miserable.”“And we don’t want that.”“So we need light and heat.”“How do we manage that?”“We’re thinking of overheads.” - Nobel Prizes Awarded - Alfred Nobel Excluded
As the world indulges in another reverent obeisance to the Nobel Prize and its genuinely laudable recipients, we should take a moment to observe that Alfred Nobel has been excluded.What? Have you noticed that the prizes in science go with reliable regularity to very deserving academic researchers but, as W. S. Gilbert would say, ‘Never," "What never?" "Well, hardly ever!" to an independent inventor. - Dispute Over Fish Oil Gets Smoky Hot
It appears that fish oil prevents second heart attacks but primarily in Europe. It has become the usual practice over there to prescribe purified fish oil to patients who have had a heart attack. Their longevity increases through the likely benefit of preventing future heart attacks.But in the U. S. fish oil, as a rich source of omega-3, hasn't been given nearly as much of an opportunity to benefit our cardiovascular systems, at least, not the prescription-grade of the fishy substance known by the brand name of Omacor, which is, among other tidy benefits, mercury-free.Now, the dispute has gotten smoky hot. - New Book About End Of Life On Earth; Skips Beginning Of It
Yet another bleak new book about the end of life on the earth has emerged from the darkling presses, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Unnfortunately, the author skips something that has not yet occurred: the beginning of life on earth. - The Invention Of The Sky, First Half of Part Four, The Invention of Everything
Once we invented water, we realized that for rain to work right we had to have a place for it to go up into and fall back down from. We settled on a working name called the sky and set aside today’s meeting to invent it. As usual, the CEO kicked off the discussion.“We seem to be moving in the right direction. So far we’ve got –“He pointed to my notepad.“– sex, land, and water,” I recapped.“Good. So let’s take up the sky. Any thoughts?”“It can’t be too heavy.”“Why not?”“It’s going to be on top of everything else, isn’t it?”“Good point.” - Bush Claims Approval Rating At All Time High; His Wife Told Him
Why is President Bush unconcerned about his approval rating, which has now sunk to 33%?He’s certain it’s at an all-time high. How does he know? He asked his ever-faithful wife.For instance, here is the transcript of a discussion with the reliable spouse that was leaked to the press by their ever-attentive dog.“Laura, I’m feeling a little down today.”“Why, George?”“I guess the mood just goes with how I’m feeling about my approval rating.”“What approval rating?”“You know, the one that’s not as high as it used to be. I try not to care, but – ““– Poor Georgy-Porgy, I can’t bear to see you feel so low.”“Then, please, cheer me up.”“Did you say ‘up’?” - Social Security And The Mystery Of The Missing Boomer FICA Payments
Hardly a day goes by that we don't hear FED Chairman Ben Bernake or some other voice of the government bemoaning the sad and unsustainable expense of Social Security. You know the drill: How can it go on with all the baby boomers reaching retirement age?Here’s Bernake at his most daring to date, addressing the Economics Club of Washington, which, we all know, wields much more influence than AARP: "Reform of our unsustainable entitlement programs" should be a priority. "The imperative to undertake reform earlier rather than later is great."But hold it a moment. Haven't all those baby boomers watched the Federal Government neatly extract FICA payments from their paychecks for the forty or so years they’ve worked?So where’s the money? - Oops, Almost Forgot We're At War
These days we have more reasons than we'd really like to think the worst of the world.The news pulls into our lives every morning like a train, filled with discouraging baggage, like the daily Baghdad body count, the evil expostulations of leading malefactors, and, to add dismay to our discouragement, we regularly hear our own leaders speak of trying to locate and kill this or that terrorist, even relatively jocular Bill Clinton saying, in regard to his own intentions toward Osama Bin Laden, that he would have "taken him out." Who are we hearing here, Mafioso Bill?Encompassed as we are by such darkness, are we to despair entirely of the longed-for concept of a civilized world? Not really. - Coyote Excuses Predatory Behavior; Claims Was Molested By Cocker Spaniel
A coyote was caught molesting a flock of lambs. Confronted about his predatory behavior, he became immediately repentant and explained how he could have fallen into such disgraceful behavior. According to the coyote, he was, as a youth, molested by a cocker spaniel. After providing his excuse, he immediately sought rehabilitation as a vegetarian. A transcript of his entire confession follows:I am truly sorry for molesting lambs. I just couldn’t help myself. You see, when I was a young coyote, I myself was molested by a cocker spaniel – not just once, but repeatedly, over a period of more than a year.There I was, an innocent and youthful coyote on the prowl, with never a thought of clamping onto a lamb by the throat, dragging it to the ground, and making a meal out of it. No, sir, I was, like all normal coyotes, at least as far as I knew at that innocent time of my life, a complete vegetarian. - World Chess Championship Literally Goes Down The Toilet
Sometimes the cartoon world, at least as reflected in the colorful pictures and captions of mass media, gets so bonkers that a real-world headline would be right at home in a humor magazine. Take the ludicrous bauble that prompted this article. It appeared in no less a distinguished place than the front page of The New York Times on the Web: "Bathroom Dispute Halts Chess Championship."We could have gone with that. No doubt about it.But we prefer to see the everyday zaniness through our own eyes, so we did a bit of a redo.If case you missed the debacle, the world chess championship was halted when a player, Russia's Vladimir Kramnik, was locked out of his private bathroom because of inferences that he was going there too often and cheating while there. Expectedly enough, the bathrooms were part of the private areas of both players that were not under video surveillance. - The Invention Of Water; Part 3, The Invention of Everything, An Eyewitness Account
Now that we had invented land, everybody wondered, what could be missing? The day before, there was some talk about an idea called water. Today, we were scheduled to work on it. As usual, the big boss kicked things off.“OK, it’s time to dive into water. Any thoughts?”“I’m concerned.”“Why?”“Well, we just invented land. Why cover it up?” - Senate Approves New Legislation Aimed At Interrogating Itself
The Senate, immediately after voting to approve legislation governing the interrogation and overall treatment of terrorism suspects, voted on new legislation that would compel it to interrogate itself about why nearly every member's speechifying has been directed, not so much at the nation's problems, but at the November voter. - This Week's Driving Tip: It's Not If The Cops Are There - It's Where Are They?
We have noticed along the highways and byways that, while we used to see an occasional trooper or local police officer waiting around the next curve with his radar alert for speed infractions, we now spot the cagy gentlemen nearly every time we drive for even a few miles. Alert to the high price of tickets and annoyed because we think being stopped, unless one is recklessly speeding, is an invasion of privacy, a new defensive principle popped into our watchful consciousness that we thought we’d share with you.Forget the days when you used to push the speed limit and think, "If I'm lucky, I won't get spotted by the cops." The new way to think is, "I better stay pretty close to the speed limit, maybe push it by three to five miles an hour at most, because the question isn't if the cops are there, tucked in somewhere around a bend. It's where are they?" - Swift Bank To Comply Slower
Just when George Bush was winning a victory in the Senate for the right to handle terrorists in a moderately terrifying way, it looks as if he can expect slower help from Swift, the Belgian banking consortium known as the letterhead-heavy Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunications.The banking group was reprimanded by Belgium’s privacy protection commission for aiding the US counterterrorism effort by providing confidential data about money transfers.The commission's report stated, "It has to be seen as a gross miscalculation by Swift that it has, for years, secretly and systematically transferred massive amounts of personal data for surveillance without effective and clear legal basis and independent controls in line with Belgian and European law." - Poll In Iraq Proves It's Hard To Be Grateful When You're Being Blown Up
One would think that the number of American lives that have been sacrificed or maimed and the enormity of American treasure that has been expended in Iraq would elicit some degree of gratitude among Iraqis. But a new poll, which was done for the University of Maryland's Program on International Policy Attitudes, proves that it's hard to be grateful when you could be blown up or otherwise assassinated at any moment.Here are a few absences of gratitude that the Bush administration now has to stare at:71% of Iraqis who responded to the survey agreed that "they would like the Iraqi government to ask for U.S.-led forces to be withdrawn from Iraq within a year or less.” - North Korea Throws Nuclear Tantrum; Cries For More Monetary Milk
Hear little Kim Jong Il wail, “Wah! Wah!” I need more financial aid, and, so I’m going to throw a nuclear tantrum, until you give me all the monetary milk I need. And just to make his point, he actually did go and set off an underground nuclear test.The testy child is afflicted with an oppressive anomaly. In a world where one Asian newborn after another is growing in a remarkably healthy way, he’s just doesn’t seem to have the physical wherewithal to keep up. - First Half Of Part One, "The Invention Of Everything"
An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note: - Second Half Of Part One, "the Invention Of Everything"
(Suggestion: Read The First Half of Part One First) - Scientists Discover Oldest Skeleton Of Human Ancestor; Report Face Looked Like Hugo Chavez
The most well-preserved skeleton of an ancestor of homo sapiens has been discovered in Ethiopia. The skeleton, dating back about 3.3 million years, is a member of the evolutionary group known as Australopithecus Venezuelas and had a face that looks remarkably like Hugo Chavez.Scientists have yet to determine if the homonid retained tree-climbing capabilities. Apparently, its arms hung below its knees, and it had a short neck like a gorilla. As they free more of the skeleton from the sandstone in which it was found, they will be able to determine if it did climb trees. - The Clever Bluegill Sunfish: It Can Detect Toxins In Water Better Than A High-Tech Wonder
This week we’re excused from having to pick our Clever Monkey of the Week from the human performers on the world’s stage, because they’ve been outdone by the bluegill sunfish. This clever denizen of just about every pond and lake in America is, we learn, helping to protect the water supplies of major US cities like San Francisco and New York. - The Invention Of Land; An Eyewitness Account - Part Two of The Invention of Everything
Now, it came time to invent land. First, we had to tackle a big question: Why should there be anything, instead of nothing? Here are my notes on the meeting:"OK, today is the day we invent – what did we decide to call the dry stuff?""Land, boss.""Thanks.""May I say something?""Sure.""Before we go and invent land, let’s ask the big question. Why should there be anything, instead of nothing?""Why? You like nothing better? Sounds kind of empty to me.""Boring!""Well, we’re here. That’s already something.""True, and, as long as we are, don’t we want to do something constructive?" - New York Is The Safest Big City; Now, That's Scary
New York has just been ranked as the safest of America's ten biggest cities in 2005, where, according to the FBI, about one crime was reported for every 37 people. This is the second year in a row that New York has been named America's safest big city. How scary is that? - Diverse New Life Found In Pacific: Set To Take Over If Humans Blow It
Recently, scientists discovered 52 new species in the Pacific off Indonesia.Elated, Mark Erdmann, a U. S. scientist who led surveys there this year, stated, "We feel very confident that this is the epicenter of marine biodiversity" on the planet.They immediately urged that the precious area receive protection from commercial fishing.What they did not reveal is that the clever fish are diversifying just to make sure there's plenty of life, at least in the Pacific, to keep the earth humming as the center of it in the solar system, just in case humans blow it on land. - Bin Laden Dead Or Alive? Since Nobody's Sure, We Wrote Both Articles
Bin Laden DeadOsama Bin Laden is dead. We know this for certain, because, after five years of knowing only that he had access to a tape recorder, we were bound to know at least one thing about him that is certain.Osama Bin Laden is still alive.While for an instant most of the world lived in the hope that the world's most detested man is dead, their leaping spirits were soon dashed on the hard rock of reality.Regrettably, Osama Bin Laden has not yet kicked the turban. - Mountain Lion Attacks Son - Dad Attacks Mountain Lion
Sometimes, even a mountain lion has to watch who it bites.Consider the case of the mountain lion, or cougar, who jumped out of the woods at a park in British Columbia and took a 4 ½ year old boy named Paul Krismer, Jr., by the head.The boy's father, Paul Krismer, happened, luckily enough, to be nearby and turned just in time to see the cat do what comes naturally. - Saddam Hussein's Defense Attorneys Admit Genocide But Insist It's OK
In the trial of Saddam Hussein for genocide, he and his lawyers apparently decided that playing dumb and asking, "What 180,000 Kurds?" would unlikely prove to be a credible defense. So they cleverly decided to admit to the dastardly act of genocide through chemistry, while maintaining that it’s OK.One witness, after describing the blindness the chemical weapons caused, said, "May God blind them all."She can be satisfied; apparently, God has already blinded the defendants and their lawyers. What else but moral blindness would allow them to claim that lethally poisoning from 50,000 to 180,000 Kurds constituted legitimate acts of aggression against, they maintain, local militias who were in cahoots with Iran. - Toyoto Introduces The Toy: The First Pedal Car For Adults
In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a child's pedal car.Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehicle can travel on one adult’s leg power.The resourceful auto giant maintains that the encumbrance is not a drawback at all, because adults can change places at the wheel. While one pedals, the other can rest. - Cruise Takes A Bruise
Viacom gave Tom Cruise the bruise of his career - or, more exactly, its cantankerous chairman, Sumner Redstone, did, for behavior unbecoming an employee of the entertainment giant, saying Cruise's shenanigans are "not acceptable to Paramount."Redstone's punch to the career launched an entire boxing match of bruising comments. - If Embryos Could Talk
An embryo was relaxing when a female clinician approached the little glass dish in which it was defrosting after a long time in the freezer.The embryo noticed her approach and exclaimed, "Whoopee, do I get implanted now? I can't wait to grow up and become a real person!""No such luck," the researcher told the embryo."What do you mean? I've been in cold storage for months, and now you’re telling me I don't get to move up to becoming a baby?""I'm sorry," the lady researcher said, "but we already implanted your sister.""My sister?""Yes, we had to select one of the embryos we created so the infertile couple could have a child, and she turned out to be the lucky one. I'm sorry. The woman doesn't have room for anymore.""Oh," replied the embryo, suddenly disconsolate. "Can't you find another woman who would be happy to have me implanted?""I would if I could, but our customers generally prefer to be implanted with their own embryos.""So what’s going to happen to me?"The researcher paused. She didn't want to break the news to the wannabe. But she knew she had to. "You're going to be destroyed." - Senate Offers Outlet For Bipartisan Feuding: Will Install Boxing Ring
The Senate, recently more rancorous than usual in terms of bipartisan backbiting, decided to offer an outlet for the aggressive behavior by voting to install a boxing ring. In an effort to allow for the widespread lack of physical conditioning, all fights will be limited to one round.The first fight scheduled is between the outspoken liberal Democrat from Massachusetts, Senator Edward Kennedy, and the feisty Republican who hails from the state of Tennessee, Bill Frist. - George Bush Finally Discovers Foreign Intrigue
Can you believe it? George Bush, the foursquare flatfoot of diplomatic dexterity, has finally discovered the nimble art of foreign intrigue. - Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras
The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats.The council also gave an incidental nod to the high cholesterol content of the delicacy and affirmed its determination to spare Chicagoans and visitors to the metropolis of the Midwest the cardiovascular consequences of the indulgence. - About Time: Somali Woman Flogs Islamic Leader
An Islamic woman in Mogadishu finally did it: she inflicted eleven lashes on an Islamic leader for threatening to flog her for selling cannabis.To justify the intended flogging of the woman before she turned on the male who had ordered it, the rulers pointed to a passage in the Koran that forbids the sale of all drugs except aspirin and antacids.He was the fist male to receive such punishment at the hands of a woman since the fundamentalist rulers seized control of the capital in June; in fact, the first Islamic male to be flogged by a woman since one of Mohammed’s wives got upset with him for trying to make her wear heavy clothes in the summer. - Iran Provides "Multifaceted Response" To UN: Launches Ten Missiles
Iran provided its long-promised "multi-faceted" response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction.Of course, the West had hoped for a more obliging answer, particularly since the proposal contains an attractive package of bribes, diplomatically referred to as incentives, which reportedly includes a selection of books that apparently are no longer readily available in the fundamentalist Islamic backwater, such as the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.Western diplomats felt that the feel-good tale of crotchety meanness converted to enlightened benevolence might act as a moderating force, particularly among the gray-bearded senior members of the turbaned tyranny, who do remind the partial observer of Ebenezer Scrooge before his sudden and celebrated reformation. - OK, The House Is On Fire. Do You Save The Baby Or The Book Of Holy Writ?
Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny.Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision.Now, imagine that the house is the world aflame with terrorism, war, and an occasional inquisition and the baby is any person's life or, since we're at a particularly risky time, all of human life.If you would still pick one of the books and leave the baby to the flames, please, answer the following four questions. - Hassan Nasrallah Destroys Own Country
If we remember correctly, a person becomes a national hero when he saves, or at least helps save, his country. - Humanist Terrorists Nabbed In Miami; Planned To Plant Explosive Books
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries..... - Grass That's Stronger Than Weeds
If you think you've got a weed problem, you haven't met the genetically engineered grass that was recently found growing in the wild near field tests of the mighty new tendril that were conducted a few years ago.The grass is being developed in a joint effort by the Scotts Miracle-Gro Company and Monsanto for a vital purpose: golf courses. Since it can stand up even to the ravages of Roundup, its tenacity is intended to allow keepers of the unblemished greenswards to spray indiscriminately but only kill the weeds. Imagine: the weeds die but the grass lives. - What The Dell? My Laptop Just Exploded!
Dell, which can’t seem to avoid ad slogans that substitute its name for hell, has recently found itself confronted with the apt inadvertence of its laptops bursting into flame. Facing such a deleterious constraint on the eagerness of consumers to buy the explosive creations, the company has agreed to recall 4.1 million of its incendiary notebooks. - The Case Of The Terrorist Violin
Now that terrorism, not fear of flying, has become the primary anxiety in the air, some of the most inconvenienced among travelers are classical musicians, attempting to fly from one worldwide concert hall to another one, while their suspect Stradivari are scanned and prodded or they’re urged to check their instruments. - Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide
A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time.The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment. He would take his own life. The question became, how? - Old Man Potomac, He Just Keeps Rollin' Along
Some days when we contemplate the divisive and deluded doings in DC, it helps to look away from the grandiose and revered buildings that have hosted our government since it was moved there from Philadelphia in 1800 and to contemplate the broad, green, and ever forward pushing Potomac, the generally placid river that just keeps rollin' through it.Here we see a boater speeding along, hoping the wind in his ears will clear his brain of brow-knitting complexities, while another one rows by, lazily fishing in a johnboat for its still bountiful population of largemouth bass, an inadvertently appropriate fish to find hard by the halls of ceaselessly yapping Congress. - Foreign Goes American: Muslim Students In USA Memorize The Koran
You can never guess what you've got in the melting pot. Turns out that in the very heart of the borough of Queens, NY, Muslim youths are trundling off to the mosque to memorize, verse by verse, the most controversial text of the times. How are we to regard this seemingly dangerous activity?A closer look at the kids who are condemned to the practice affords some assurance that they will place the orthodoxy at a comfortable distance as they attain some perspective on its content. In listening to the comments of the Muslim-American children, as they study toward the goal of earning the title of “hafiz,” there is hope that their innocence will prevail. - Time For America To Bring Down The Curtain On The Ballet Frankenstein
It's time for the USA to resolve, once and for, to bring down the curtain on international conduct so clumsy it can be seen, not as dexterous, but as the ballet Frankenstein.Time to remember that ninety-nine percent of our practically usable power comes out of the barrel of a cash machine, so we concentrate on being the economic superpower we know how to be, not the military superpower we aren't ruthless enough to be.Time to let the mad world go its self-punishing way, till, through economic success, we show the nations that are devoted to disagreement with us that we're conducting a world they ought to get in on.What can we do in the meantime? - Unloved In Iraq: George Bush Gets Jilted For Another Shiite
It seems that America's only optimist in regard to Iraq is beginning to feel unloved by the people he hoped to bring freedom and democracy to, much like a distressed lover who has proffered a box of chocolates, only to find that the object of his affections is allergic to chocolate. Or, worse yet, that she prefers the mix of chocolates offered to her by a detested rival.The trouble with withdrawal is, of course, up pops the super Shiite al-Sadr to tie the diplomatic knot with Iran. Then Bush will have to witness, not only lost love, but the object of his amorous hopes marrying his despised rival.But, after all, what else could be expected? The Shiites of Iraq do have a great deal more in common with the Shiites of Iran, such as their mutually adored medieval faith in a not altogether blameless religion. - Holy Shiite! Anti-american Demonstration In Baghdad
As if the Bush administration didn’t have enough troubles in Iraq, now there’s been a demonstration in Baghdaddy by hundreds of thousands of Shiite Muslims which featured such deeply religious themes as calls of “Death to America!” - Cuba Libre? Not Yet, Amigo! Castro Survives; Millions Mourn
When word finally passed the lips of the communist regime in Cuba that Fidel Castro might be on his way to where his enemigos would like to see him go, Cubans in and out of the island nation celebrated. Then word began to trickle out of the party faithful that the damnable dictator survived colon surgery and the fiestas began to wind down like toy figures with batteries that are running out of juice. - Survey Shows Americans Not As Polarized As Politicians And Newscasters
A new survey by Whew! Research reveals that Americans are not as polarized as politicians and newscasters on supposedly divisive issues like abortion, gay marriage and stem cell research. - On Bullshit. Princeton Professor Publishes Lowdown Analysis
While browsing the philosophy section in a quaint and generally inaccessible bookshop, we came across a miniature tome we might have missed in conning the long shelves of a megastore. Noting the title on the spine and considering its offbeat nature with curiosity, we reached to indulge it with a cursory examination. - FDA Reconsiders Morning-After Pill, Now Renamed Marriage-After Pill
After years of delay, the FDA plans once again to reconsider the over-the-counter sales of the controversial Morning-After Pill, which the manufacturer has, due to the extensive passage of time, now renamed the Marriage-After Pill. - Oil Update From BP: A Bear Ate The Pipeline
Earlier reports that BP closed its Alaska pipeline due to corrosion have turned out to be erroneous. The company, noticing growing rancor that it would allow such a vital link to corrode to the point of desuetude, altered its story, saying that subsequent examination revealed that the leaks were due to a grizzly bear that ate the pipeline. - Make War As Make Nice; Israel’s Commendable But Costly Military Tactic
Has a nation every conducted a war like the one Israel waged against Hezbollah? Instead of the usual “war is hell,” it was more like an attempt to conduct war as make nice. - Foiled Again! The Attack Of The Citizen Killers
Thanks to British intelligence, with a little help from a wise and noble Muslim informer, - Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah's Surprising Ingratitude
Mohammed One raised his hands toward where he thought heaven might be, and wailed, “I can’t stand it anymore! Allah, have mercy!” - Ten Things To Worry About And Ten Not To Worry About; Let’s Make A List
In these worrisome times, we note that we’re inclined to become so occupied with worry that we lose sight of our obligation to set aside a prudent portion of our lives to be glad we’re alive, so when the trip is over, we can think, Gee, I’m glad I was born. Now, I can croak with a smile. - Hillary Clinton Loses Patience; Demands Own Resignation
In a surprising turn of political morphing, Hillary Clinton announced that she has lost patience with herself and plans to demand her own resignation from the Senate.Fresh from her miscalculated call for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the man who, despite being entangled in Iraq like a Houdini in chains even he can’t wangle his way out of, is likely the most rational mind and steadiest hand in the Bush administration.By doing so, she consented to line up with Democratic loyalists who long ago became vociferous advocates of Mr. Rumsfeld’s eary exit.Once it became apparent to her more incisive advocates that, in the interest of political connivance, she had made a carefully considered misjudgment that compromised the solidity of their trust in her suitability for high office, she immediately made a Clintonian changeover and advocated her own immediate dismissal. - Preacher Gets Religion; Is Overcome By Tolerance
The Reverence Gregory Gird, preacher at a thriving megachurch with 5,000 devoted members, caused quite a stir and lost 1,000 adherents when he gave a sermon in which he came right out and defended tolerance.There were early warning signs that he might advocate the now intolerable virtue. When asked repeatedly by members to announce that he was against all the things right-thinking people are supposed to abhor, such as gay divorce, abortion for recreational purposes, and Democrats in general, he repeatedly demurred.Apparently, he finally could no longer restrain himself from divulging his true thoughts. He preached, not only one, but six sermons in which he actually advocated the separation of church and state, cautioned members against the superimposition of their own guidelines on sexual inclinations, advised them to stop referring to America as a Christian nation, and encouraged them to make a place in their hearts for that radical document, The Bill Of Rights. - Hassan Nasrallah Destroys Own Country; Hailed As Hero
If we remember correctly, a person becomes a national hero when he saves, or at least helps save, his country. So we’re a bit perplexed that Hassan Nasrallah, the supposed leader of Hezbollah, who is patiently but effectively destroying his country, is being hailed as a hero at home and in much of the Middle East.How pathetic can hero worship get? - Cuba Libre? Not Yet, Amigo! Castro Survives; Millions Mourn
When word finally passed the lips of the communist regime in Cuba that Fidel Castro might be on his way to where his enemigos would like to see him go, Cubans in and out of the island nation celebrated. Then word began to trickle out of the party faithful that the damnable dictator survived colon surgery and the fiestas began to wind down like toy figures with batteries that are running out of juice.The Cubanos long-cherished dream of Libertad Para Cuba would have to wait, in the lingo of the locals, until más tarde. - New Books About Science And Religion: Same Old Arguments, So Here’s A New One
Once in a while, there’s a proliferation of new books about the junction or disjunction of science and religion. - Muslim Women Prepare Undercover Rebellion; Use Internet To Order Bikinis
Muslim women, condemned to wear, even when sandy temps soar, clothes that curiously resemble what nuns usually
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